speakscanadian | [for Asher 30.03.2013]

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[for Asher 30.03.2013]

When the Mountie had said he was going, Ray found it even harder to find an excuse not to, which was stupid because all he really wanted to do was go. Not for the chocolate or the Easter eggs or the promise of enough sweet food for him to eat his feelings for a month, but simply because he knew Asher would be there. They'd had arguments before that lasted an hour, a day, maybe even a couple days but none of those had involved his kids. More than a few had revolved around Danica before they'd eventually gotten together but his children were different.

It was the first time Ray was genuinely worried that he'd blown it, which was why he was so reluctant to attend. Had he indulged his selfishness and insensitivity during an argument about absolutely anything else, he didn't think he'd be skulking around the edges of a slowly scattering gathering right now. He and Asher would've hashed it out, maybe lashed out, and moved on. Together. But those kind of qualities coming through when it was never about Ray in the first place? That was so much worse. It had taken him an embarrassingly long time to realize he'd made it all about him instead of concentrating on a little boy and a concerned father who had needed his help. Asher had been - still was, for all he knew - between a rock and a hard place, between his sister and his son, and Ray had turned his back and walked away.

Which was exactly the kind of reaction he was expecting to receive when he looked over through a hooded gaze, waiting for Asher to be alone. He'd already apologised for laughing, thinking that was all he was guilty of. Nervousness, he'd said. The absurdity of the situation. But laughing had just been the tip of the iceberg and it had taken many long, lonely nights in a too-big and too-empty bed for him to see it.

Dropping the piece of straw he'd been fiddling with - Asher hated insecurity - he squared his shoulders just a little and moved over.

"D'you have a minute?"

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There was no hint of petulance on his face, just an appropriate level of guilt beneath a controlled expression. It was difficult not to let his emotions get the better of him but he wanted Asher to know he was taking it seriously.

With a glance over at the kids who were safe with Delirium, Ray nodded his head in the opposite direction. "Walk with me?"

After a moment of hesitation and likely against his better judgement, Asher rolled his eyes, but did eventually begin moving in the direction Ray had motioned to. He could always just walk right back where he'd come from if what Ray said started to annoy him. And, knowing him, that might only be a few steps, so the walk back wouldn't necessarily be that long.

Ray could say a million and one things, like how much he missed him, that he wanted him to come home, that he didn't want this to continue. But he knew, for once, that all of that would just prove to Asher that Ray really was a selfish jerk.

"I hate falling asleep and waking up without you," he said after a stretch of silence. It was the most honest thing he'd spoken in days but he couldn't leave it there without making Asher realize he'd learned.

"But I know that's down to me. And more importantly, I uh, understand what I did and why it's my fault."

Asher hated falling asleep and waking up on a boat, so he had very little sympathy for Ray. It was a nice enough boat, but it still wasn't his own bed. On dry land.

"And it only took you two weeks to get there." Further proof that Ray's policing skills were a bit lax.

"Had lots of thinking to do," Ray admitted. After all the anger and sulking and pining was done. That was a full week right there. "Apologizing but making the same mistake in the future wouldn't do much good, huh. Gotta learn." He lifted a shoulder. "Sometimes that takes me time."

He didn't think he needed to remind Asher that he was divorced. Learning from mistakes was still a working progress.

"Congratulations on your breakthrough," he drawled. "Or your personal growth. Or... whatever."

Hopefully he wasn't expecting a pat on the back, because the halfhearted offer of congratulations was all he had.

"Okay, stop," Ray requested quietly, stepping in front of Asher and turning to face him. He could still see the kids in the background and he watched for a moment before moving his gaze to Asher. His hands had reached out of their own accord but he held them back a few inches from the other man.

"It's not about me. It was never about me. I shouldn't have made it about me and I'm sorry." He hoped Asher could hear the sincerity in his voice. He didn't have an excuse this time. "I should've helped when you needed me. I really regret walking away."

Not hearing anything he hadn't said himself or didn't already know made it hard to accept the apology. What made it even harder was that Danica was the one to blame - he knew that from the start - yet she walked away, completely unscathed, leaving him and Ray at each other's throats instead.

She no doubt had gotten a real kick out of that.

"Your apology and regret don't really do me any good. I'm not going to stand here and pretend otherwise."

"So tell me what will. Y'want me to do something? 'Cause I'll do it." And not just because Ray wanted them to be together again but because it was what he should have done in the first place.

"There's nothing to do two weeks later," he insisted, shrugging a shoulder. Acting like an eager to please puppy was more obnoxious than anything else.

Ray didn't think that was true at all. His forehead furrowed gently.

"Okay...So tell me what you've already done."

Danica was still walking around so whatever it was couldn't have involved the police.

"The same thing you did." He wasn't sure if that made him better or worse than Ray, but at least his reasons for sitting on his hands didn't involve shirking responsibility because of hurt feelings and flouncing off in a huff.

"You haven't even spoken to her?" Ray asked, blatant surprise in his tone. He wasn't sure why he hadn't done it. It wasn't like Asher didn't have any experience of reprimanding his sister.

"Why not? You gotta say something."

"Don't tell me what I have to do," Asher said, brow furrowed and moving a step closer to Ray. "You weren't worried about it before, don't worry about it now."

"I was plenty worried," Ray countered without any aggression, trying not to provoke Asher. He didn't step back though and he guessed he'd find out if that was a mistake or not. "But I didn't think you'd do nothing after I left."

"You had a really weird way of showing it." An almost completely undetectable way, actually. "And we both know that thinking isn't exactly your strong suit."

A rush of air escaped from Ray but he let the words go. This was what he was hoping for after all, for things to go back to normal, and comments like that were definitely business as usual.

"So what's your plan now? Never speak to your sister again?"

He wouldn't have gone as far as calling it a plan, but not speaking to Danica had suited him just fine over the past two weeks.

"Again, don't worry about it. I don't see how it's any of your business either way."

Ouch. There had been a time when showing any kind of real emotion on his face was like signing his own death certificate, but over the last couple of years, Ray had become less insecure about Asher seeing it.

"It's my business because it's your business. We're still..." Weren't they?

"My sister, my kid, my problem." That's what his actions had said when he left, and weren't those suppose to speak louder than words? "It stopped being your business when you walked away."

"That's not-- no, I never said that," Ray insisted, lifting up a hand for emphasis. "I couldn't help you, not as a cop. She'd never have taken it seriously if I'd arrested her, you know that. An uncompromised police officer is what you needed."

"What the fuck does that have to do with you storming off? You went to go find an uncompromised officer?" Both of them knew that was bullshit, and if Ray was going to stand there and try to convince me that's why he left, Asher was going to punch him in the face.

"I was angry," Ray replied, closing his eyes for a second to ensure he kept control of things. "I was trying to help but you kept calling me shit, Asher. It felt like you wanted me to arrest her because I don't have any integrity anymore. That you can just click your fingers a couple weeks down the line and I'll let her go."

With a shake of his head, he backed away, pushing his tongue into his lower lip. "I know. I was wrong. Again. I kept expecting you to turn up at the hut and apologize."

"So your way of proving that you weren't shit was leaving. In order to stick it to me for bruising your ego, you did nothing after my kid gets a weapon pointed at his head. Yeah... I can see why you sat around waiting for me to apologize."

He would have been waiting forever, because that wasn't ever going to happen.

Ray threw his hands in the air, then scrubbed them over his face tiredly. "I've already told you I know I was wrong. What more do you want me to say? I did what I thought was best. I did what I thought you wanted me to do against my better judgement."

He'd taken Daniel away, he'd told Asher what had happened and he'd given him the chance to decide what to do. That part Ray wasn't sorry about. The part after, when he'd left, that he could own up to.

"And then I walked away because I was pissed off and I was hurt. It felt like all of a sudden you thought I was the bad guy. I'm sorry, okay, I'm sorry."

"I heard you the first time," he assured him, seeming no more moved by the latest apologies than he had been by the first. "We could stand here and talk in circles all day about this. Frankly, I'd rather not. You apologized, I acknowledged it. That's what you came here to do, right? And you did."

Ray missed him but until Asher did too, there wasn't much more Ray could do.

"Yeah. Guess so."

He thought about telling Asher he was here if he needed him. Hell, he'd be there if Asher didn't too but all he could envision was the other man telling him it was too little, too late.

"I'm not mad." Not at Ray, anyway. He was plenty pissed at Danica still, and he hated sleeping on the boat.

"I was, but it didn't last too long. Disappointed. I guess. I think that's what I was... Am." Considering it had been longer than he could remember since the last time he'd put enough faith in anyone to the point where they could disappoint him, he wasn't the best judge.

They were right when they said disappointment was worse than anger. Ray's guilt increased tenfold when Asher said it and he rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly.

"Aw, man..."

"Yeah." He shrugged, unsure of what else there was to say or do. The truth hurt sometimes, or so he'd heard, but when did that ever stop him from being honest?

Ray kept his head bowed, hand still rubbing his neck as if it was some kind of comforter. A moment or two passed, then he lifted just his eyes and said, “D’you wanna hit me?”

It was an offer more than a question, even though he knew Asher had said he wasn’t angry anymore.

“I get that it wouldn’t make us even and it’s not as satisfying if the other person is willing, but take a swing if it’ll make you feel better.” He wasn’t particularly eager for Asher to take him up on his offer but sometimes it was glaringly obvious that the other man wanted to knock some sense into him.

"It won't," he told him, shaking his head. If it would have, Asher would have done it by now. And he wouldn't have waited until he got permission in order to do it either.

"Okay."

Ray didn't know where that left them and he was too ashamed to ask, so he just nodded his head and pushed his hands into his pockets.

"So...I'll see you around?"

It was as close to asking as he could get.

Edited 2013-04-08 16:13 (UTC)

"Yeah... See you."

Maybe next time he saw him he'd look less like a puppy that's been kicked.

If Ray rocked forward on his feet just a little, as if to lean in for a kiss before leaving, then it was simply due to habit.

"Bye."

He used the momentum to turn around and walk away.

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[for Asher 30.03.2013]

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