[for Asher 30.03.2013]

[speakscanadian]

 
When the Mountie had said he was going, Ray found it even harder to find an excuse not to, which was stupid because all he really wanted to do was go. Not for the chocolate or the Easter eggs or the promise of enough sweet food for him to eat his feelings for a month, but simply because he knew Asher would be there. They'd had arguments before that lasted an hour, a day, maybe even a couple days but none of those had involved his kids. More than a few had revolved around Danica before they'd eventually gotten together but his children were different.

It was the first time Ray was genuinely worried that he'd blown it, which was why he was so reluctant to attend. Had he indulged his selfishness and insensitivity during an argument about absolutely anything else, he didn't think he'd be skulking around the edges of a slowly scattering gathering right now. He and Asher would've hashed it out, maybe lashed out, and moved on. Together. But those kind of qualities coming through when it was never about Ray in the first place? That was so much worse. It had taken him an embarrassingly long time to realize he'd made it all about him instead of concentrating on a little boy and a concerned father who had needed his help. Asher had been - still was, for all he knew - between a rock and a hard place, between his sister and his son, and Ray had turned his back and walked away.

Which was exactly the kind of reaction he was expecting to receive when he looked over through a hooded gaze, waiting for Asher to be alone. He'd already apologised for laughing, thinking that was all he was guilty of. Nervousness, he'd said. The absurdity of the situation. But laughing had just been the tip of the iceberg and it had taken many long, lonely nights in a too-big and too-empty bed for him to see it.

Dropping the piece of straw he'd been fiddling with - Asher hated insecurity - he squared his shoulders just a little and moved over.

"D'you have a minute?"

Comments

[speakscanadian]

"I was angry," Ray replied, closing his eyes for a second to ensure he kept control of things. "I was trying to help but you kept calling me shit, Asher. It felt like you wanted me to arrest her because I don't have any integrity anymore. That you can just click your fingers a couple weeks down the line and I'll let her go."

With a shake of his head, he backed away, pushing his tongue into his lower lip. "I know. I was wrong. Again. I kept expecting you to turn up at the hut and apologize."

[asher_talos]

"So your way of proving that you weren't shit was leaving. In order to stick it to me for bruising your ego, you did nothing after my kid gets a weapon pointed at his head. Yeah... I can see why you sat around waiting for me to apologize."

He would have been waiting forever, because that wasn't ever going to happen.

[speakscanadian]

Ray threw his hands in the air, then scrubbed them over his face tiredly. "I've already told you I know I was wrong. What more do you want me to say? I did what I thought was best. I did what I thought you wanted me to do against my better judgement."

He'd taken Daniel away, he'd told Asher what had happened and he'd given him the chance to decide what to do. That part Ray wasn't sorry about. The part after, when he'd left, that he could own up to.

"And then I walked away because I was pissed off and I was hurt. It felt like all of a sudden you thought I was the bad guy. I'm sorry, okay, I'm sorry."

[asher_talos]

"I heard you the first time," he assured him, seeming no more moved by the latest apologies than he had been by the first. "We could stand here and talk in circles all day about this. Frankly, I'd rather not. You apologized, I acknowledged it. That's what you came here to do, right? And you did."

[speakscanadian]

Ray missed him but until Asher did too, there wasn't much more Ray could do.

"Yeah. Guess so."

He thought about telling Asher he was here if he needed him. Hell, he'd be there if Asher didn't too but all he could envision was the other man telling him it was too little, too late.

[asher_talos]

"I'm not mad." Not at Ray, anyway. He was plenty pissed at Danica still, and he hated sleeping on the boat.

"I was, but it didn't last too long. Disappointed. I guess. I think that's what I was... Am." Considering it had been longer than he could remember since the last time he'd put enough faith in anyone to the point where they could disappoint him, he wasn't the best judge.

[speakscanadian]

They were right when they said disappointment was worse than anger. Ray's guilt increased tenfold when Asher said it and he rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly.

"Aw, man..."

[asher_talos]

"Yeah." He shrugged, unsure of what else there was to say or do. The truth hurt sometimes, or so he'd heard, but when did that ever stop him from being honest?

[speakscanadian]

Ray kept his head bowed, hand still rubbing his neck as if it was some kind of comforter. A moment or two passed, then he lifted just his eyes and said, “D’you wanna hit me?”

It was an offer more than a question, even though he knew Asher had said he wasn’t angry anymore.

“I get that it wouldn’t make us even and it’s not as satisfying if the other person is willing, but take a swing if it’ll make you feel better.” He wasn’t particularly eager for Asher to take him up on his offer but sometimes it was glaringly obvious that the other man wanted to knock some sense into him.

[asher_talos]

"It won't," he told him, shaking his head. If it would have, Asher would have done it by now. And he wouldn't have waited until he got permission in order to do it either.

[speakscanadian]

"Okay."

Ray didn't know where that left them and he was too ashamed to ask, so he just nodded his head and pushed his hands into his pockets.

"So...I'll see you around?"

It was as close to asking as he could get.

[asher_talos]

"Yeah... See you."

Maybe next time he saw him he'd look less like a puppy that's been kicked.

[speakscanadian]

If Ray rocked forward on his feet just a little, as if to lean in for a kiss before leaving, then it was simply due to habit.

"Bye."

He used the momentum to turn around and walk away.